Basic Stuff

Name: Samuel Henry Trainor

Age: 17

Birthday: July 3rd

Height: 1.93m (yes, I hit my head on stuff)

Gender: Male

Pronouns: He/him

Sexuality: Panromantic & demisexual

Star Sign: Cancer (no idea what that means)

Location: Still stuck here.

What I Actually Look Like

Not that anyone asked, but:

• Skin tone: corpsecore pale
• Eyes: somewhere between green and gray — depends on how dead I am that day
• Hair: shoulder-length, never doing what I want it to do
• Scars: yeah
• Freckles in summer. unfortunately
• Build: you ever seen a stretched-out skeleton in a hoodie? that.
• Style: whatever fits and isn’t offensive to my skin. Apparently “grunge” according to Maria.

Brain Settings

Not really a “vibes” guy, but here's some settings:

• OCD, depression, probably autistic, not officially though
• I overthink everything and rewrite sentences in my head like 6 times
• Panic when things don’t go how I planned
• Don’t like being touched unless I say so
• I’ll laugh at your trauma if we’re close enough
• Nightmares are frequent guests
• Yes, I know too much about games. No, I don’t care.

What I’m Into

• Sketching stuff I never show
• Anime & manga (esp. Goodnight Punpun, Berserk, Evangelion, Chainsaw Man)
• Genshin (yes I still play, no I’m not proud)
• Late night convos that get too real
• Lo-fi and weird game OSTs
• Food. Like... actual food. Homemade stuff. I’ll love you forever if you feed me.
• Hunter x Hunter marathons
• Hollow Knight + Persona 5 brainrot
• Editing wiki articles when I’m manic

What I’m Not Into

• Crowds
• Being looked at for too long
• My dad
• Raised voices
• “Vibes”
• Being dirty, loud chewing, TikTok trends
• Group projects
• Teachers breathing near me
• Summer heat (burns me like a vampire)

Stuff I Won’t Say Out Loud (But Kinda Just Did)

• I'm scared of deep water and silence
• I hate my voice when I’m nervous
• I don’t sleep unless I crash
• I get shaky when people yell
• I never really feel safe
• I don’t think anyone’s ever fully known me. That’s not emo, that’s just how it is.
• I still think about random stuff I said in 2013 and cringe

People I Don’t Hate

• Marcus: basically my brother. Wouldn’t be alive without him. End of story.
• Maria: loud, dramatic, always accidentally mean. Somehow I don’t mind. Her food helps.
• Carter: chaos in human form. Bites when he’s happy. Surprisingly loyal.
• Scylla: gives me plants and weird tea. Probably part forest cryptid. Good at understanding stuff I don’t say.

Random

• I flinch if you move too fast. Not your fault.
• I tic when I’m stressed. Don’t point it out.
• If I don’t answer for a while, I’m not mad. Probably just... off.
• Don’t call me “Sam” unless you’re dying.
• If I roast you, I probably like you.

Wiki Fix: Why Everyone Is Wrong

by Samuel, who did not ask for your opinion.

Entry 1: “Mob’s emotions aren’t suppressed because he’s bland, you just don’t get it.”

Okay so you know how every third wiki entry or anime recap says Mob is "emotionless" or "suppresses his feelings"? Let me explain why that’s a garbage take. Mob doesn’t suppress emotion. He compartmentalizes it. He’s literally feeling everything too intensely and just doesn’t express it the way people expect. It’s the opposite of being empty—he’s so full he’s scared he’ll spill. And when he does, it explodes. That’s literally the whole point. He’s not boring. He’s not dull. He’s not a “blank slate MC.” He’s traumatized and autistic-coded and emotionally overwhelmed every waking second, and it’s written beautifully. Also, "100%" isn't just rage. It's grief. It's confusion. It's vulnerability. But go off, wiki guy.

Entry 2: “You’re not deep for misunderstanding Shinji Ikari.”

"Shinji is annoying." "Shinji should just pilot the Eva." Okay cool, and you would be totally normal if your entire sense of worth was manipulated by emotionally constipated adults and trauma-coded clones while you're literally the last hope for the planet? This kid is 14. The Evas are powered by dead moms. He has no support system and zero coping tools. The way he freezes and avoids conflict? The way he begs for praise after doing the bare minimum because he’s never been given love without conditions? That's not weakness, it's literally abuse response. You’re not edgy for thinking he’s whiny. You’re just proving you’ve never been that scared in your life. Must be nice.

Entry 3: “Chainsaw Man is not about being cool. You’re supposed to feel gross.”

I swear if one more dude says Chainsaw Man is “badass” and “power fantasy material,” I’m gonna throw my computer into a river. Denji is not cool. Denji is a starving, neglected, deeply touch-starved teenage boy who has zero self-worth and gets used by everyone who shows him half a crumb of affection. This isn’t a rags-to-riches story. It’s a trauma spiral. His dreams are literally the saddest shit you’ve ever heard (“I want to touch boobs” = “I want someone to love me.”) You’re supposed to feel unsettled. You’re supposed to feel sorry for him. If you walked away from volume 1 thinking “hell yeah, blood and boobs!” you missed everything. Go back.

Entry 4: “Persona 5 is not a rebel story if you keep romancing your teacher.”

Okay look. I love Persona 5. But can we stop pretending it’s the most revolutionary takedown of societal corruption while also treating the romance routes like a dating sim? The entire game is about breaking power dynamics, calling out abuse, refusing to be manipulated—and then we’re cool with romancing a literal teacher? Or the doctor who says she doesn’t date patients?? Or the journalist who says you’re too young??? Like bro. The same people who call Ryuji “immature” are out here simping for 30-year-olds. Choose a lane. Either you care about the themes or you just wanted to be a pick-me Joker with a confidant fetish.

Entry 5: “Genshin lore is NOT ‘just vibes’—it’s an actual horror show.”

The amount of people who treat Genshin like a pretty game about anime twinks and ignore the absolute existential despair baked into the worldbuilding… have y’all even read the weapon descriptions?? Teyvat is basically a prison created by beings outside our comprehension. The Archons are lying to everyone. Celestia is literally God-tier authoritarianism. Khaenri’ah’s fall was a genocide. The Abyss isn’t just “edgy corruption,” it’s punishment for rebellion. Albedo is fake. Scaramouche has no heart. Ei literally put her nation on pause to sit in a room for 500 years. The Traveler is the alien. This is a tragedy, not a summer beach episode. I hate it here.

Entry 6: “Stop simplifying Punpun, he’s not just sad. He’s everything.”

You know how some people say Oyasumi Punpun is too depressing and “emo”? Like yeah. It is. That’s the point. But what no one talks about is how it captures the weird, ugly, uncomfortable middle parts of existing. Not just sadness, but guilt. Shame. Wanting to hurt people for no reason. Being selfish while thinking you’re the victim. Feeling like you’re rotting from the inside out but still brushing your teeth every day because that’s what people do. Punpun isn’t a sad boy. He’s everyone when you take away the masks. If it makes you feel gross, it’s because it’s doing its job. Also stop calling it “edgy.” Go read Garfield if you want vibes.

Craving Corner

(a food wishlist, rage log, and emotional support menu)

• Garlic noodles. Just. Please.
• Fried rice that doesn’t taste like sadness.
• A grilled cheese sandwich so greasy it makes me believe in God.
• Anything homemade that doesn’t look like a Pinterest fail.
• Real ramen. Not cup shit. Real. Broth. Real. Life.
• Breakfast for dinner. Pancakes are valid at all hours.
• Maria’s stew that made me cry that one time. Shut up.
• Food that’s warm. Not microwave-warm. Soul-warm.
• Anything crunchy that doesn’t make my ears hate me.
• Toast. With butter. Maybe jam. Depends on how depressed I am.
• Cookies that are still gooey in the middle.
• Soft boiled eggs, if I can stop overcooking them like a war criminal.
• Fresh bread. Like I wanna punch it first, then eat it.
• Soup that doesn’t come in a box. Or from trauma.
• Something I don’t have to chew 1000 times because my teeth suck.
• Spicy food that makes me question my life but in a fun way.
• Chocolate I don’t have to share.
• Ice cream eaten straight out of the container at 2am. Required.
• Sandwiches that are taller than they should legally be.
• Literally anything Maria cooks when she’s feeling bad about yelling.

Sleep Avoidance Log

(last updated: whenever)

Log #27 – Wednesday Night / 2:13AM

2:13AM – Woke up sweating. No nightmare I remember, just a vibe. Everything feels off. My blanket feels like it’s judging me.

2:27AM – Thought about cleaning my desk. Thought about throwing my desk out the window. Thought about what would happen if gravity stopped working. Decided to scroll instead.

2:41AM – Watched a 14-minute video on how pencils are made. Felt weirdly emotional about it.

2:46AM – Swore I heard footsteps in the hallway. It’s nothing. Probably.

2:52AM – Texted Marcus “u up” and deleted it immediately.

3:01AM – Craved toast but the kitchen light feels too loud. Settled for licking crumbs off my hoodie sleeve.

3:17AM – Looked in the mirror and jumped. Forgot I had a face.

3:39AM – Remembered something I said in 2017. Wanted to evaporate.

3:51AM – My eyes hurt. My brain’s still yelling. Gonna lay here and think about static until it goes quiet.

(no sleep. zero stars. would not recommend.)

Log #34 – Sunday / 1:58AM

1:58AM – The fan is buzzing weird tonight. Might be a ghost. Might be my brain.

2:06AM – Played Hollow Knight for 15 minutes. Died twice. Closed it before I smashed my keyboard.

2:19AM – Doodled a monster with my face. Named it “Greg.” Greg looks more confident than me.

2:33AM – Lofi is playing. Some dude in the comments said “this saved my life.” I wish it’d save mine too, tbh.

2:48AM – Remembered I still haven’t answered Maria’s text. I’ll say I was asleep. Lies are fine if you say them slow.

3:02AM – Every noise sounds louder when you're trying not to think. My pillow is either wet from sweat or tears. No clue which.

3:20AM – Craved something warm. Settled for anxiety and a hoodie that still smells like my childhood room.

3:43AM – Eyes closed, still not sleeping. Just floating in static. It’s like sinking, but horizontal.

3:57AM – I think I might dream while I’m awake. Or maybe I’m just really tired of being real.

(morning will feel like a hangover. fake it ‘til you nap.)

Save File Graveyard

“Here lies all my unfinished digital regrets.”

Hollow Knight

Progress: 56%

Cause of Death: Mantis Lords broke me. Sat in silence for an hour. Didn’t touch it since.

Persona 5

Progress: 30 hours

Cause of Death: Fell in love with three characters. Paralyzed by moral dilemma. Couldn’t betray any of them. Still in the school festival arc.

Stardew Valley

Progress: Year 1, Fall

Cause of Death: My cow died and I took it personally. Also, I can’t be normal about farming games.

Minecraft (Hardcore)

Progress: 2 hours

Cause of Death: Accidentally fell in lava while trying to pet a wolf. Haven’t emotionally recovered.

Undertale

Progress: Neutral ending

Cause of Death: Killed one frog on accident. Restarted. Killed another frog. Panicked. Quit forever.

Omori

Progress: ???

Cause of Death: Not emotionally stable enough. Played 20 minutes. Cried. Never reopened.

Genshin Impact

Progress: AR 55

Cause of Death: Log-in screen depression. Spiral Abyss can rot. Still obsessed though.

NieR: Automata

Progress: Route A

Cause of Death: Existential crisis. Had to stop before I became a 2B simp AND cried about robots.

Pokémon Black 2

Progress: 4 badges

Cause of Death: Lost to my rival and felt like a disgrace. Also refused to evolve my starter out of emotional attachment.

Dark Souls 3

Progress: Undead Settlement

Cause of Death: Rage quit after falling off the same ledge 4 times. Marcus saw. I’ll never hear the end of it.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons

Progress: 3-star island

Cause of Death: Forgot to log in for two days. Guilt spiraled. Can’t face the villagers now.

NPC WATCH

Stuff I’ve seen that makes me question if people are real.

School Weirdos

• Girl in chem class: Said “I love the smell of gas” then immediately looked around like she said something illegal.
• History teacher: Called us “digital natives” then couldn’t figure out how to unmute himself on Zoom.
• Lunch lady: Told me I look like “one of those British ghost boys.” Said it like a compliment.
• Kid in PE: Tried to dab while sneezing. Hit himself in the face.
• Freshman: Asked me if “Genshin was like Fortnite but sadder.”
• Principal: Said “We are a family here.” Five minutes later said “I don’t know who that student is.”
• English teacher: Called my doodle of Guts “emotional graffiti.” Still gave me extra credit.

Hallway Enigmas

• Random dude in the hallway: Looked me dead in the eye and whispered “Tuesday” as I walked past. It was Thursday.
• Some girl I don’t know: Said I give off “Tim Burton side character energy.” Then asked if I was in theatre club. I am not.
• This sophomore: Told me “You look like you don’t blink much.” Didn’t even wait for me to blink.
• That kid with the purple mullet: Asked if my jacket had “trauma pockets.” I said yes. They said “cool” and walked off.
• Someone during fire drill: Was meowing. No one said anything. I just watched the chaos.

Classroom Cryptids

• My math partner: Opened his pencil case, pulled out a carrot. No explanation.
• Librarian: Gave me a book on coping with grief. I was just checking out Berserk.
• Carter: Bit a piece of paper, looked at me and said “Tastes like Tuesday.” I’m still confused.
• Girl next to me in detention: Wrote “love is a prison” on the table with a glue stick.
• Chemistry partner: Kept calling me “Player 2.” I wasn’t even doing the experiment with him.
• Girl in the stairwell: Was crying, but singing Evanescence through the tears.

Public Chaos

• Guy on the bus: Was loudly explaining to someone on the phone that his dog is his lawyer. No context.
• Girl in a grocery store: Whispered “soon…” to the avocados. Looked very serious.
• Dude in a full leather trenchcoat: Skateboarded past me while blasting Gregorian chanting. It was 34°C.
• Guy sitting alone at McDonald’s: Had a laptop, a binder of Pokémon cards, and a katana. Called the fries “power pellets.”
• Lady in a bookstore: Was arguing with a book. Not about it. With it.
• Random teenager: Dressed like a Victorian child ghost. Bought a Monster Energy and floss picks.
• Man in a trench coat (again): Had a cardboard sign that said “THE END IS NEAR (for my lunch break).”
• Teen in front of me at the cinema: Brought three boiled eggs. Peeled them slowly. No one stopped him.
• Someone at IKEA: Had a plush shark under their arm and muttered “He gets it” every few steps.

Mystics & Prophets

• Old man at the park: Was feeding pigeons Doritos and saying “you are kings now.”
• Little kid in Target: Told me “your aura is broken” and then screamed into a candle.
• Someone jogging at midnight: Yelled “you can’t catch me, fate!” as they passed.
• Barista: Called my name like I’d died in a tragic backstory and they were seeing my ghost.
• Two people in a subway: One said “I forgave you in another life.” The other nodded like it made sense. I think I saw a whole character arc.
• Little girl at the pharmacy: Looked me dead in the eyes and said “You’ll be okay.” Then walked away like a prophet.
• Someone in the bookstore bathroom: Was singing “My Immortal” but changed the lyrics to be about bad WiFi.
• Dude at the vending machine: Whacked it with his head and said “Diplomacy failed.” Got his chips, though.
• Man in a bus stop: Gave me a piece of advice in German. I don’t speak German. I still think about it.
• Biker in a tutu: Riding backwards down the street yelling “It’s reverse day!” No one else seemed surprised.
• Old lady outside a bakery: Said “The bread knows your secrets.” Then offered me a cinnamon roll.

Diary

Sketches

Cliquespace 2K – running on ✨spite✨ and outdated code

You’re #: 000069

no one's real anyway

Who's behind the 404? /* oops */

/* uh, ignore this, meant to delete it */

Things I Wish I Said

/* idk why I wrote this, probably a bad idea */

/* gonna delete this later, don’t look */

*glitch* someone broke it… not me

/* corrupted file: samuel.jpg */

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